Spring Arbor Living Blog

As a middle aged child, it is common to wonder about how to start to talk to elderly parents about the future? Few things make adult children more nervous. There are many things to fear from this conversation: resistance, denial, conflict and reminding ourselves that our parents are getting older.

But we should fear an impending problem or crisis more.

Beginning the conversation with aging parents is similar to learning to ride a bike. You don’t take off going downhill; you muster up the nerve, hold your breath and try to keep your balance.

Start the conversation now, while they are healthy and you have no real concerns; and start small. This way there is time to build the conversation slowly without pressure.  Unexpected situations or crises with aging parents without having planned can cause rifts between siblings, between parents and kids, and between spouses.

Time your conversation with your parents appropriately. Be sure that you and they have time to talk and listen.  This conversation needs an investment of time and patience.

It is easier to begin the conversation by relating it to your own experience. For example, “I met with my attorney today and drew up my will…”

You need to be clear with yourself and your parents about why you are initiating this conversation. If you are annoyed or frustrated, this is not a good time. The conversation needs to be about their safety and their future, and about the quality of life for both them and you.

Remember too that you don’t need to get the answer today. You are merely trying to begin the dialogue and get everyone thinking and talking. 

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As we get older, many of us will notice changes in our memory. Forgetfulness is a normal part of getting older, however, dementia and Alzheimer's disease is not. How can we tell the difference? We all worry, about ourselves and our parents as we watch them age; and with good reason.

Presently, one in ten people 65 and older has Alzheimer's, about 5 million people. But only half have been diagnosed with the disease. It is estimated that by 2050 as many as 16 million people will have it.
As we become more and more educated about this terrible disease, we often find ourselves wondering when we or someone we love will get it, not if we or someone we love will get it. You may be concerned because you have noticed recurring "senior moments".  As we age, we notice our senior moments more and more.
 
So where does normal forgetfulness end and mild cognitive impairment begin? Some experts think that mild cognitive impairment (MCI) is the early signs of Alzheimer's disease. Unfortunately, there is no definitive test for diagnosing Alzheimer’s, but your personal history and mental status exams are accurate about 90% of the time. Alzheimer's progresses very slowly for most people. The downward slide of thinking, memory, and judgment are gradual, over the span of many years.

If you have concerns about yourself or a loved one, find out all you can about your own, or their, personal history and speak with your doctor. Education about Alzheimer’s Disease is the best way to understand an prepare yourself, if necessary, for this terrible disease.

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It is finally time to make the difficult decision that you have dreaded for so long. Your elderly parent or parents are not able to live in their own home anymore and they must move. Realize, while this will be challenging for you, it will be difficult for them to make the move. There are four very prevalent reasons or emotions that make it difficult for your aging parents to move out of their old house, and it is important for you understand where they are coming from and how they feel. When you understand their challenges and difficulties you will find it easier to relate to them and easier to talk to them about the move.  When you are able to talk and communicate about it, the entire process will be easier for you and your family.
 
Grief is a very strong emotion which is difficult to handle and is very common in seniors whenever they feel as though they are losing something that they value.  When an elderly parent has to go through losing what they have always thought of as their home, they will experience grief. They are not only moving away from their home, but also their neighborhood and many of their possessions that were a part of their lives for many years.

Of course they are also experiencing a loss of independence and control. As long as your mother and or father lived by themselves they were independent and had control over how they ran their lives. Inevitably they will feel anxiety over their perceived loss of that control when they move out of their homes, regardless of where they move too. This is very difficult for them to deal with, but once moved into an assisted living community, this emotion will pass more quickly.

All of this is very overwhelming. Moving, at any age, is one of the highest stressors. Inevitably it entails throwing things out, selling things, closing bank accounts and selling their home. Combined with all the other emotions, this gives them a sense of ‘where do I start?”

Understand and remember that this is not only hard on you and your family or siblings, but it is very hard on them as well. There are many reasons emotionally and physically why it is difficult and for elderly parents to move out of their house.  Once you understand the reasons you will be able to lessen the difficulties that your parents are experiencing.

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